A little heart felt venting

So those who know me probably know what I mean when I say I don't show my feelings very often when I'm sad or feeling down about something. I tend to bottle things up and I know it's not healthy, but that's how I've always been. However, these last few days since we had to make the decison to deliver my baby girl almost 3 months early and after becoming a father and seeing my very premature daughter, I have become  very much emotional. It's not easy making the decision to bring a child into this world that young and the reason we did it was to possibly save the life of my wife and Khloe's mother as well as Khloe herself. This is not how her entrance into this world was planned or supposed to be. I did not have a fool proof plan for when she was born, but I had an idea and a direction. I had my siblings, my parents, my friends, and my in-laws I could turn to for help and guidance and for advice as to the proper steps to take. Now the plan has changed and for the first time in my life I am completey lost and overwhelmed. I have absolutely no plan and no idea what to do next. The worst part is that I don't know anyone who has gone through this situation and no one to tell me what to do next. I have always had someone to tell me what I could do. I could always turn to family, specifically my dad, and they could give me a distinct direction and a list of steps to take, but now that is not the case. I've been scared before, but now it concerns not just me, but my wife and my daughter. I had an idea of what it was going to be like when I thought this was going to be a normal pregnancy and I thought my daughter was going to be a healthy full term baby, but now I have no idea what to think or expect. I am truely terrified of what the future holds and I'm not sure I'm prepared spiritually and emotional to deal with the outcome, especially should the worse happen. I find myself blaming me for the current situation due to my long history of spiritual woes, which I will not expound on at this time. Shelbie told me tonight that I am so strong, but that is not the case. I look strong and tough on the outside because I know that's how it should be, but on the inside I am broken, and my heart breaks for the my daughter and what the future holds for her. I love my wife and my daughter and one good thing that has occurred from this less than ideal situation is that I have grown to love them more than ever. I pray that I will have the strength to lead my family to better times and I hope my father in heaven will guide me and show me the next steps to take.